Mini Cheddars

I’m gonna need to use the loo on there.

Yeah.

Do you reckon they’ll have a loo, Pam?

I dunno. Hopefully.

Cos I’m gonna need to use the loo on there.

It’ll be alright..

You reckon?

Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be alright.

Last time I went I couldn’t get the bloody door open. Was yanking it like this. So I says to the guy, I says to the guy, I says, the bloody door ain’t opening.

Oh yeah?

And he just comes over and goes like this…and he just yanks it open.

Gotta just pull it, ain’t ya?

M11 to Glasgow is delayed.

Says who?

Thats what they’re saying. Stuck behind two other buses so it’ll be a while yet. Fuck’s sake.

Guess we’ll just have to wait it out.

If I weren’t on such a budget I’d have driven

Way better, driving.

Woulda done the journey over a few days. In my camper van. Way better.

Way better.

Ah well, I’ll be alright as long as I don’t miss my connection.

It’ll be alright..

If I weren’t on such a budget though…woulda been alright but my bloody dog went and got ill.

Oh yeah?

Doctor said something about the spleen’s gotta come out. I says when, he says now.

Oh my..I’m sorry, Rob.

it’s just one of them things, innit? Ain’t the poor old dog’s fault. She’s old now.

She must be going on what, ten, eleven?

Thirteen.

Thirteen? That is old.

Yeah.

For a dog, I mean. Don’t they normally only live to about that age, more or less?

Yeah, more or less.

Hm.

Ah, it’s just one of them things, innit?

It is, yeah.

We’d best be off or we’ll be late. Let’s finish up.

Oh, you’re right. We’d best finish up.

I’ll get this one.

You sure?

Yeah, it’s alright.

That’s kind of you. Next one’s on me.

Hm.

……………..

Do you reckon Niall will be there, Rob?

Niall?

Yeah.

Doesn’t he live in France now?

Yeah. That’s why I’m wondering. I wonder if he’d make the journey.

You’d bloody well hope so. They go way back, their families. Longer even than we do.

It is a long way. My aunt said when she moved to Italy she’d only come back for family. It’s expensive when you’ve got to factor in flights, hotels, where to eat, all that. And once you come see off one friend, you’ve sort of got to come for all of them.

How’s that?

Well, people talk otherwise, don’t they. You know how people are.

So not even if it was her best friend?

Well, maybe for her best friend. That would be different. But just in general, as a rule, she said only family. Otherwise it starts getting a bit ridiculous. And of course she was at that age where…well, it becomes more of a frequent occurrence, doesn’t it?

People can die at any age.

I know. But you know what I mean. When you get to our sort of age, a bit older, it becomes a bit more likely, doesn’t it?

That’s a cheery thought, Pam.

Sorry. I’m not trying to sour the mood. It’s just a fact of life, I guess.

I guess.

Didn’t you say you needed the loo?

I did, yeah. Those pints have gone right through me. I’ll go have a look.

Alright.

……………

What are those you’ve got there?

Mini Cheddars. Want one?

My word. Can’t remember the last time I had Mini Cheddars.

Take a few.

I used to love these back in the day. Was going through a pack a day at one point. Like they were ciggies. Imagine that, everyone else smoking and there’s me with my Mini Cheddars!

Haha. Well, have as many as you want.

Thanks, Rob. That’s cheered me right up, that has. They’re still as good as I remember.

……………

My hair’s all over the place. Does it look like it’s all over the place?

It looks fine to me.

I can never get it to go where I want it to. It seems to always want to fall to the left.

Maybe you should start wanting it to fall there, then.

You’re a genius, Rob.

I do my best.

Which church is it at again?

St. John’s.

I didn’t even know she was religious until just before she died.

Nor did I.

That’s bad of us, not to know that. To be so close to someone for so long and not know that. That’s quite bad, I think.

It might just be a case of ‘it’s what you do’, having the funeral at a church.

But apparently she chose the hymns and readings as well.

Oh, right.

I feel bad for not knowing that about her.

Don’t feel bad, Pam.

I do.

Religion’s a very personal thing. Maybe she didn’t want it broadcast about. How’d you find out she was religious, anyway?

She asked me to pray with her.

Really? When?

When I went to visit her at the hospice. She was so weak she could barely clasp her hands together but she asked me if I would pray with her.

Did you?

Of course I did.

You don’t even believe in God.

I know, but she was dying.

Seems a bit dishonest.

You weren’t there, Rob. Please don’t judge.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to. You know I wouldn’t judge you, Pam.

I know. It’s OK. To be fair it did feel a bit dishonest. But I didn’t know what else to do. It was just us there in the room. I don’t think she’d have asked otherwise. And I didn’t mind the praying, anyway. I’m happy to pretend if it gives someone a bit of comfort. But she asked me some stuff.

Like what?

Well, she said she’d read about a woman in the States who’d had the same thing she had, and none of the treatments were working and things were looking really bad. The doctors had pretty much written her off. They told her she’d be lucky to make it to Christmas. That was in October. And apparently she just started praying. She wasn’t at all religious but she said she did it out of desperation. And to everyone’s surprise, her health started improving bit by bit. The doctors couldn’t believe it. She ended up having Christmas dinner with her family and going back to her normal life. And Andrea became convinced the same thing would happen to her. So we prayed. We sat there for hours in that room, praying. Andrea was weeping the way you see people do on those TV sermons, the ones where everybody’s wailing and crying and saying the spirit of Jesus is flowing through them and all that. I’d never seen her lose herself like that. She was always so good at holding herself together, no matter the situation. But she was just weeping uncontrollably and shaking her head and praying. I left the hospice feeling a bit strange. I don’t know what it was — normally people say that when you pray like that you’re supposed to feel cleansed or at peace with yourself, but I had this knot in my stomach that I couldn’t figure out. The next week I heard she’d got worse and they’d taken her to hospital. Two weeks later she was dead.

Poor woman.

Now I can’t help but feel a bit guilty. Like I indulged her when I shouldn’t have. Encouraged her to put her faith in the wrong place, sort of thing.

You didn’t do anything wrong, Pam.

I know. I mean, I think I know. I just wonder, that’s all.

You drive me mad sometimes, Pam. Only you could comfort a dying friend and feel bad about it.

Yeah. Probably best not to dwell on it. There was nothing I could have done, was there?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, Rob.

Here. I don’t have any wine to drink a toast to her, but there’s still a few Mini Cheddars knocking about in the pack. You want some more? For old times?

Thanks, Rob. That’d be nice.